Damn you, Death!

Over the weekend I learned that a lady from our old ward (Holt Ward, not our more recent ward, Williamston) was dying of cancer.  It was a strange case.  She had a sore on her tongue and when checked by the Dr. they found it was tongue cancer.  They removed the cancer, but it spread to her lymph nodes and lungs.  This January she was in the midst of chemo and radiation therapy but contined to decline in health and early Saturday morning, with her husband present, she died.

We knew her husband better than her since he was our home teacher over a handful of years.  Even still, I would describe them in similar terms.  Funny, but more importantly just good, uncomplicated people.  I say uncomplicated in the best of ways. (I told Joseph that we used to be complicated in a bad way and he got what I was saying).

She has three kids.  The oldest is graduated from High School.  The second is in High School.  And, the youngest, a boy is only six years old.  That's Brigham right there, without a mom!  It breaks my heart.

After feeling very sad, I began to analyze the situation.  Why?  That's a philosophical question that comes from my religious days.  It's easily answered in certain terms.  She had cancer, her body could not fight it, and she died.  That's pretty simple.

I had thought through this scenario while contemplating leaving the church and ultimately leaving Christianity and religion altogether.  How would I handle the death of a loved one?  I knew that I would have to go through the steps of grieving process, which can take years and years.  I also knew that in the end, I hoped to land in a peaceful place something like, "I'm glad I knew them.  It's much better to have loved and lost than to have never loved." I have applied this to my grandparents who have already died.   I have even prepared myself for the desire I might have to reattach myself to religious ideas because it's just too painful otherwise.

I think I experienced that a little bit last night in my philosophical argument in my head.  Why her?  Why not me?  Why should I have health and happiness while she doesn't?  The easy religious answer was either, "She or her family needed that particular trial." or "We don't know why, but we will know later, and later we will all be together again."

I loathe those religious answers because people usually start saying them right away after a death.  I believe that this is extremely unhelpful to the human grieving process.  I actually believe that statements like that do more harm than good to the individuals who have lost.  Even when I was a believer, I really despised it when people said things like that after a death.

Last night, in my unhappiness though, I actually did try God on for size again.  I cursed at him for a while.  I won't share what I said as it's not blog appropriate.  But basically, I told him what a horrible, rotten guy he is.  I've been told that God would rather have you tell him your anger than just not talk to him, so I just did it.  Then I tried to humble myself a little bit at least.  Finally, I waited for the comfort that would come.  Right?  I should receive some comfort.

Well guess what?  No comfort.  So the religious answer goes something like this, "You need this particular trial right now."  or "You turned your back on God, he might not answer you now." or "You chased the Light of Christ away with your horrible swear words, of course the spirit couldn't comfort you." or..."You aren't exercising faith."   These answers at best stop the conversation and at worst shame the asker.  Of course, I know great people who would probably just say, "I don't know.  I'm really sorry."

So, faith.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).  I'm not sure what I'm hoping here.  I think it has less to do with there being an afterlife and more to do with really, REALLy wanting there to be a way for things to be fair and merciful.  But, if faith is the evidence for what is unseen, what is that really? How does people having faith in something make it evidence?  I never did like that scripture, but I couldn't pinpoint why.

Let's try out the above scripture on an example.  If lots and lots of people hope that there are fairies in the woods and we apply this scripture, that's like saying that if they have faith that's the evidence of those unseen fairies.  I'm sure that there are apologists who would tell me I'm reading this scripture incorrectly.

In the Book of Mormon (Alma 32:21), this scripture is taken a step further.  You have to have faith in things that are true.  If you have hope for things which are true, that is faith.  How do you find things that are true to have faith in?  Follow prophets, read scriptures, your feelings about a certain subject, pray and God will tell you.

I'm sticking with the last one because I'm tired of the things fraught with human error.   But...wait a minute...God didn't answer.  Round and round I go then.  Maybe I asked the wrong question?  Maybe I forgot to ask a question at all?  Maybe I didn't have enough faith that god would answer?  Maybe I'm too wicked to get an answer?  Maybe I need this trial?

This might all sound really cynical and like I'm trying to prove a point.  That may be partly true.  But, actually, there's a lot more sincerity than you might realize.  Having written about confirmation bias recently, I have spent time thinking about my new confirmation biases and how they might be affecting me.  I can actually be humble enough to say I might be wrong.  But, since I was willing to try God and he decided not to answer, I will need to stick with my human understanding of things.

•  Live in the moment (Buddhism).  Make the moments count (not so much Buddhism, but makes me happy).

•  Work harder to make myself healthier and stay that way (Nutrition Science, Exercise Science, Medical Science).  Right now, this includes drinking green tea, which I formerly forbade myself to drink.

•  Be open to the process of grieving (Psychology).

There is no conquering death, but there are ways to prolong life, enjoy life and process life.

The Picture of (Im)Perfect Health

And so opens another chapter of my life to the semi-public.

I had a Dr. appointment last week. The news was really not good. Though my blood pressure tested normal, it is actually high which is really not normal for my age. I have high cholesterol. My thyroid, which is under-functioning, has some bumps on it. I had an ultrasound today and I'll get results for that in a week. I'm OVER-weight. :(( <---that's a double chin frowny. I have about fifty pounds to lose. At the end of last summer, I had lost forty of those fifty pounds. Then a combination of my low thyroid (a.k.a gland problems) and some emotional baggage that I had to deal with, I gained it back at a rate of five pounds per month. The sad news is that even with taking Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) at the right dose, I still have to lose weight just like anyone else. Hopefully the weight loss will affect both the cholesterol and the blood pressure. And hopefully I don't have a cancerous thyroid gland. Last summer I had people cheering me on in my weight loss and my good friend, Shelley, who just happens to be a personal trainer/fitness guru, really gave me a lot of good tips. Well, I'm getting started again. Joseph and I are planning a trip to Guatemala as a carrot at the end of the stick.

I'm looking for a widget for my sidebar. The one I have so far won't work because it's too wide and not adjustable (see below). Anyone know of a good one? And any of you who want to offer encouragement, go right ahead!