Damn you, Death!

Over the weekend I learned that a lady from our old ward (Holt Ward, not our more recent ward, Williamston) was dying of cancer.  It was a strange case.  She had a sore on her tongue and when checked by the Dr. they found it was tongue cancer.  They removed the cancer, but it spread to her lymph nodes and lungs.  This January she was in the midst of chemo and radiation therapy but contined to decline in health and early Saturday morning, with her husband present, she died.

We knew her husband better than her since he was our home teacher over a handful of years.  Even still, I would describe them in similar terms.  Funny, but more importantly just good, uncomplicated people.  I say uncomplicated in the best of ways. (I told Joseph that we used to be complicated in a bad way and he got what I was saying).

She has three kids.  The oldest is graduated from High School.  The second is in High School.  And, the youngest, a boy is only six years old.  That's Brigham right there, without a mom!  It breaks my heart.

After feeling very sad, I began to analyze the situation.  Why?  That's a philosophical question that comes from my religious days.  It's easily answered in certain terms.  She had cancer, her body could not fight it, and she died.  That's pretty simple.

I had thought through this scenario while contemplating leaving the church and ultimately leaving Christianity and religion altogether.  How would I handle the death of a loved one?  I knew that I would have to go through the steps of grieving process, which can take years and years.  I also knew that in the end, I hoped to land in a peaceful place something like, "I'm glad I knew them.  It's much better to have loved and lost than to have never loved." I have applied this to my grandparents who have already died.   I have even prepared myself for the desire I might have to reattach myself to religious ideas because it's just too painful otherwise.

I think I experienced that a little bit last night in my philosophical argument in my head.  Why her?  Why not me?  Why should I have health and happiness while she doesn't?  The easy religious answer was either, "She or her family needed that particular trial." or "We don't know why, but we will know later, and later we will all be together again."

I loathe those religious answers because people usually start saying them right away after a death.  I believe that this is extremely unhelpful to the human grieving process.  I actually believe that statements like that do more harm than good to the individuals who have lost.  Even when I was a believer, I really despised it when people said things like that after a death.

Last night, in my unhappiness though, I actually did try God on for size again.  I cursed at him for a while.  I won't share what I said as it's not blog appropriate.  But basically, I told him what a horrible, rotten guy he is.  I've been told that God would rather have you tell him your anger than just not talk to him, so I just did it.  Then I tried to humble myself a little bit at least.  Finally, I waited for the comfort that would come.  Right?  I should receive some comfort.

Well guess what?  No comfort.  So the religious answer goes something like this, "You need this particular trial right now."  or "You turned your back on God, he might not answer you now." or "You chased the Light of Christ away with your horrible swear words, of course the spirit couldn't comfort you." or..."You aren't exercising faith."   These answers at best stop the conversation and at worst shame the asker.  Of course, I know great people who would probably just say, "I don't know.  I'm really sorry."

So, faith.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).  I'm not sure what I'm hoping here.  I think it has less to do with there being an afterlife and more to do with really, REALLy wanting there to be a way for things to be fair and merciful.  But, if faith is the evidence for what is unseen, what is that really? How does people having faith in something make it evidence?  I never did like that scripture, but I couldn't pinpoint why.

Let's try out the above scripture on an example.  If lots and lots of people hope that there are fairies in the woods and we apply this scripture, that's like saying that if they have faith that's the evidence of those unseen fairies.  I'm sure that there are apologists who would tell me I'm reading this scripture incorrectly.

In the Book of Mormon (Alma 32:21), this scripture is taken a step further.  You have to have faith in things that are true.  If you have hope for things which are true, that is faith.  How do you find things that are true to have faith in?  Follow prophets, read scriptures, your feelings about a certain subject, pray and God will tell you.

I'm sticking with the last one because I'm tired of the things fraught with human error.   But...wait a minute...God didn't answer.  Round and round I go then.  Maybe I asked the wrong question?  Maybe I forgot to ask a question at all?  Maybe I didn't have enough faith that god would answer?  Maybe I'm too wicked to get an answer?  Maybe I need this trial?

This might all sound really cynical and like I'm trying to prove a point.  That may be partly true.  But, actually, there's a lot more sincerity than you might realize.  Having written about confirmation bias recently, I have spent time thinking about my new confirmation biases and how they might be affecting me.  I can actually be humble enough to say I might be wrong.  But, since I was willing to try God and he decided not to answer, I will need to stick with my human understanding of things.

•  Live in the moment (Buddhism).  Make the moments count (not so much Buddhism, but makes me happy).

•  Work harder to make myself healthier and stay that way (Nutrition Science, Exercise Science, Medical Science).  Right now, this includes drinking green tea, which I formerly forbade myself to drink.

•  Be open to the process of grieving (Psychology).

There is no conquering death, but there are ways to prolong life, enjoy life and process life.

Letters to my children

Dear Nathan, May, Elijah, Sariah and B (he's going by both Brigham and Benjamin right now, depending on who's talking),

A while back I read a blog post on a friend's blog that has inspired me. I'm going to write you all a series of letters. Let me explain:

This past year, we have been through a tremendous shift in our way of thinking. That is, I have gone through a tremendous shift. We have had many discussions and I think you understand the gist of why I have made the shift.

However, as we have discussed in the past, kids and teens tend to parrot what their parents say at home. We've come in contact with kids talking about politics and can see that they are saying just what they have heard their parents say. I've been guilty of parroting back what I heard, have you?

Your grandparents have expressed concern that you kids will follow suit with whatever Papa and I decide to teach you. They feel like you don't have a chance. (They say this out of love and concern for you and because of their feelings that they have the Truth, so we don't need to be disdainful about this.) They feel like you will never know the Truth because we, your parents have taken you from it. This may be true in some sense. It's probably not terribly likely that any of you will return to the LDS church. However, it's possible and if you choose to do so, I will fully support your decision. I want you to have the chance to think through the issues. Get out your skeptics toolbag, get out your heart, use your brain and away we go.....

When each of you was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we gave you a challenge. We didn't want your baptism to be about us and what we wanted for you. We wanted it to be about your own relationship with God. We asked you to pray and be sure this is what you wanted. This was, in our minds, giving you full choice in the matter. What we forgot to count in were the many, many discussions via Primary, Family Home Evening, scripture study etc. that weighed in on the matter. Not only that, but your friends were being baptized at age 8. What would it have felt like to be the only one in the class who didn't do it? It's a rare child who chooses by themselves to wait for a later baptism. (We don't look back now and wish you never had been baptized. Every experience you have in your life provides opportunity and growth.)

What I have now realized is that it is very difficult to stand on your own, think through or meditate through an issue and make a decision. But, that is exactly what I'm going to ask you to do. I want you to take the time to think, explore, research, question, reason, feel about many different subjects. I want you to see that when you do this, there will be positions you had never considered before. I want you to learn to adjust your thinking, if need be, because of new evidence that has been presented. Or, I want you to learn to hold strong if the evidence doesn't meet your criteria for making a change in your position.

I'm 39 years old. I still haven't learned to do this well. I'm working on it.

As you read through my letters to you, I want you to feel free to pick them apart. I want you to ask questions. I want you to feel spurred on to research on your own if you don't understand. I want you to feel free to seek out people with differing viewpoints and listen to what they have to say about a subject (I will help you find these people if you don't know where to find them). I want you to question your own positions. I want you to ask yourself if you hold that position because your parents hold it or if you have researched or had experiences that support your position. I want you to feel free to discuss deeper with me or point out flaws in my logic.

I will begin writing letters soon. For now, you may read this blog post by my friend Natasha. Oops! Just searched her blog for the post she wrote and I can't find it. Well, instead, read this poem she wrote for her son.

I'm here!

I've had a few people mention that they've checked my blog and found that there are no new posts. This is true. I haven't even been back to my blog since I wrote the last post.

I recently decided that I DO NOT like social networking on Facebook. In my opinion, Facebooking encourages "I'll spy on you and you spy on me," rather than regular discourse and sharing with friends. At first, I just attempted to put my money where my mouth is and comment on peoples' shares as much as I could. Soon, I realized that with the numbers of friends on my list, I couldn't keep up with it. I narrowed down my friend list, removing people who either never posted, never replied when I tried to talk to them, or never commented on my posts. I did this rather badly without giving people warning. Interestingly, not many people either tried to "re-friend" or emailed to ask why. In this last little while, I've decided that while I like Facebook to get updates on nature centers and museums, photos of Michigan, and updates on other interesting-to-me pages that I have "liked," I really need to pull out of that arena. This time, I sent messages to people as I unfriended them.

In the process of all of this, I realized that my Facebook updates had taken place of journaling for my family on my blog. I thought I might come back here to do some writing. I still think that's a good possibility. One things I really want to do is write a series of letters to my children. This was inspired by another friend who recently used her blog to write a letter to her children for them to read when they are older.

I'll probably also journal some of my thoughts and feelings about leaving the LDS church. A couple people have approached me recently with some discomfort of my different views and the way I was expressing them. I'm glad that they did write to me. It caused me to pause and think a bit. One of the things I would like to explain is that I wasn't posting links on Facebook to attack anyone or their beliefs. I was doing this because I found them interesting, because I agreed with what the link was saying, or because I wanted to reference the article for later use. I can see, though, why people with a certain frame of reference could feel attacked. Future blog posts may also contain information that some people will be sensitive to. I invite you to read if you wish or avoid those posts. I don't mind if you have differing views and want to share those. Just be sure you know that I'm won't be writing these posts AT anyone else, but FOR myself.

What have we been doing in the almost two years since I last wrote?? If I had to sum it up in just a few words: BIRDS, camping, hiking, observing nature, singing, getting good grades, performing, growing up, watching documentaries, shifting paradigms, doing artwork, traveling, attending lectures, going to museums and gardens, participating with Ohio Young Birders and Audubon, playing, discussing politics and religion, loving life.

I hope to find that some of you are still out there, but if not, that's o.k. too because I just need a place to write!

Easter Praise!

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy way and defend thee.
Surely his goodness and mercy shall ever attend thee.
Ponder anew
What the Almighty can do,
Who with his love doth befriend thee.

(Hymns: Praise to the Lord, the Almighty)

Last night we started a tradition. I've been meaning to do it for a few years, but never got organized enough to do it. Click here for detailed instructions. It would make a great family activity any time of the year. Object lessons are one of the funnest ways I know to teach my kids.

Take these items. Each of the items represents a part of the story of Jesus crucifixion and resurrection story:


Make these:


Put in a 300 degree oven. Seal it shut with scotch tape and leave over night. In the morning, you will see:

He is not here. He has risen just as He said.

Another thing I've been meaning to do for a few years is make resurrection eggs. I finally did this and shared it with my Primary class today. They loved it and we'll use it for family night as well.

There's a Brigham Young University Men's Chorus CD called "Awake My Soul." It has traditional hymns, but also folk hymns and is very praise oriented. At a time in my life when I needed it most, I pulled strength from this music. We got it out the other night after studying the life of Francis of Assisi to listen to some of the words he penned. It has brought back such emotions and praise for the Savior. I had forgotten.

My favorite line in all of this music comes from a 19th century hymn called "Fight the Good Fight With All Thy Might." The line says, "Christ is the path, and Christ the prize." To get a flavor for this music, click here. Words alone can't unfold those feelings that music portrays.

Finally, the pictures of the kiddos.

We could only get Brigham into the pictures by giving him jelly beans to chew on!

I love it when these girls get along!

I feel lucky to have these boys in my life. Especially Joseph, my best friend!

Oh, one more thing, here's a pretty profound analogy from my friend Steve. He gave me permission to share it with my kids. Maybe you want to share it with yours?

NOTICE: Change in the Commandments

According to my daughter, the lovely Miss May:


There is a change that needs to be made in the original 10 commandments!

A New Challenge

I got an e-mail in my box today from my friend Kristen. She sent me some information about "The Hinckley Challenge." It is to read the Book of Mormon, starting yesterday, in 97 days to honor Gordon B. Hinckley. One day for every year of President Hinckley's life.

I've been a little lazy in my scripture study lately and so I just decided to join this challenge. You can check it out and join for yourself at:

www.hinckleychallenge.com

I'm putting a graph in my sidebar that will show where I'm at (if I remember to log into the site and record it each day! --tying string to finger--)

Family Tree

Since Nathan's in bed, I get to post about his way cool school project.

His teacher asked them to bring in a family tree with at least three generations, births, deaths and occupations. Due to the emphasis on family history in the LDS church, we have seven generations on all the lines. We could have gone farther, but we'd need a bigger poster board!! I do have to make a note to say that I have not done any of this research myself. Aunt Vauna, my mom and several others deserve all the credit.

I think Nathan's project will shine though, and in the process I got to teach him what I knew already and we are set up to read some of the histories as a family this year and find out where we came from! We got to see Elijah Allen showing up in the seventh generation. We also got to see a son of Elisabeth Crow in the seventh generation, our Native American ancestor.

This just might spark me to get going on the research myself! What's your experience with family history?

Prayer

I'm a praying person. I guess you could say I always have been. It came from the example of my parents, I'm sure, and the fact that when we go to church we pray a lot there.

My mom made sure to tell me this story of my young self often because I believe she wanted me to "remember" even if I didn't have the pictures in my mind for what happened, cementing my faith from a young age.

When I was about three years old, we had a dog, a little white poodle named Ginger. One day she became lost and hours of search did not provide the relief of our doggie being safe at home. My mom said that I came to her and asked if we could pray. I actually do have a couple of pictures in my mind from that time. I remember kneeling at my bed to pray for the return of our dog. I remember seeing her sitting on the lawn of a neighbor from my car window as we headed out for another search.

I know that when I have suggested to my own children that they pray for help, it is a test of my own faith that is different than when I pray for myself. I remember once when Nathan was preschool age. There were three or four kids in a pre-school group. Each mom took turns holding "Play school" at her house. Once during my turn, the kids and I made bird feeders from half a grapefruit rind and a mixture of peanut butter and bird seed. We threaded these with string so that they could be hung out-of-doors. We hung ours on the post in our front yard. Nathan so wanted the birds to come and visit his feeder. I knew that I couldn't make the birds come and I wanted him to have the experience of seeing birds come. I suggested to him that we pray for the birds to find the feeder. I knew that this could be a formative experience for him and that created some anxiety for me. What would I tell him if birds never came to the feeder? My questioning and anxiety were part of the process. Nathan had the faith of a little child. I had a somewhat more skeptical faith, I think due to my anxiety. Day after day we prayed and day after day no birds came. I know that God is in the heavens and that not even a sparrow falls without his notice, but for some reason the birds were not coming. We had waited about seven days. As we were getting in the car to go somewhere, I noticed a bird darting to and then from the food and excitedly reported it to Nathan. It was the only bird, to our knowledge, that ever found that food. (As I sit here now, there's a black-capped Chickadee eating suet cake!)

I have not always been a consistent pray-er. There have been big gaps in my life where I haven't prayed at all unless I was in some kind of distress. Other times I've been more consistent but focused on myself and my immediate family in my prayers. There have been situations that have seemed so hard at the time that even though a part of me wanted to, I could not seem to pray for anyone but myself, my husband and my children. But, there have been wonderful times as I have striven to change this pattern that I have broken outside that seeming wall to pray for others.

Over the past few years, I have been crocheting afghans for people outside my household. As I crochet, it helps me remember the person I'm doing it for and I pray for that person and others who may come to mind. As I give the gift, I wonder if the person receiving can feel those prayers (as it is not something I have tended to mention).

A couple of months ago, I was stunned as a seventeen year old boy got up in church and talked about how he had taken the ward list (list of all those in the congregation) and prayed over each individual on the list. He promised us all great results if we would do this. Imagine that coming from a teenager. I have not done what this boy suggested, but in my experience of reaching outside of my own tight circle, I have seen good results in my life, mostly in the department of feeling thankful for the good life I have been given.

I believe every person is given one or more spiritual gifts. I have seen people that naturally reach outside themselves regularly. I am in awe of people who give in this way. I am not blessed with that gift (though I'd love to develop it). I do, however, have a lot of faith and I know without a doubt that God answers prayers. I don't ever remember a time in my life where there was silence from God unless it was me not opening the door to his knocking!

I have also been astounded by the response of others when I have requested prayer. This was a different experience for me when I first asked others to pray for a specific need I had. I grew up feeling like I should be self-sufficient, so it was really hard to put myself out there for others to see and then ask for something from them. But, what comfort it is to know that there are people thinking of me and praying for me. Some of these experiences are too sacred to share in this blog space.

At any rate, lately I've had some prayer requests. I've had stories passed on to me through other people's blogs and e-mails. I've watched movies that deal with poverty, political unrest and war. These things combined have started to break down this shell around me and as I remember these things I stop to pray. I feel change deep in my soul. As I sit still, I feel the gratitude and power of God moving in my life.

Never hesitate to ask me to pray for you for any reason, no matter how small. I welcome the request.

And now, if you have the chance, go to this blog and say a little prayer! Here is a little family in need of prayer. The baby was born 15 weeks early to a mom with cystic fibrosis awaiting a double lung transplant.

Wonderful Life!

My friend Steph posted this slideshow video on her blog and I so enjoyed it I wanted to share it with my friends and family and most importantly, my husband and children.

President Bush's Tribute

President Bush had some things to say about Gordon B. Hinckley as well. It's here.

Glenn Beck's Tribute

My brother, Mark, gave me this link today for CNN commentator Glenn Beck's tribute to President Hinckley. It is touching. Go give it a listen here. You won't be sorry you did!

Incidentally, my brother also shared with me some of his photos and they are incredible. He hopes to put a book together! Anyway, I feel privileged to see them. Thanks Mark!

I Love It!

Last night, Joseph's mom called us at about 11pm to tell us about President Hinckley's passing. After I got into bed, I had an afterthought and went to the living room to search out the November 2007 Ensign. I set it out on my glider rocker so that I would remember to talk to the kids about his death and also so that I would be reminded to find the last talk he gave in General Conference and read it.

I am amazed to see that what he left us with was his testimony of the restoration of the Gospel. He said, with his usual humor and wit, "Now, my brothers and sisters, we live with an interesting phenomenon. A soloist sings the same song again and again. An orchestra repeats the same music. But a speaker is expected to come up with something new every time he speaks. I am going to break that tradition this morning and repeat in a measure what I have said on another occasion." Go read the rest here. His message and testimony from April's conference is here, where he speaks a great deal of the life of Jesus Christ.

I was wondering what we would do for Family Night tonight and now I know!

Sad Day

I can't let this day go by without saying how sad I am that President Gordon B. Hinckley has passed away yesterday evening (for those who are not members of my church, this is akin to the Pope passing away).

This is what he said at the end of the last General Conference, "Now this conference is adjourned for six months. We look forward to seeing you again next April. I'm 97, but I hope I'm going to be there."

Amazing. 97 years old. What a contribution he has made in my life and in the church! I will really miss him. How sweet and sad it has been in some of our previous Conferences where President Hinckley has spoken of his wife, Marjorie, who passed away a few years ago, and how he missed her. What a reunion they will have had!

21st Century Update

WARNING: Further examination of religious and political topics!

After I posted about Nathan's problem with religious discrimination at school, my awesome brother (Check out his blog: http://testingtodd.sirrub.com/ . He's got great politics and technology commentary.) made this comment:

Todd is in the front. My other awesome brother, Mark is in the back.

When we lived in MA I was afraid to tell anyone that I was LDS. I am not sure where the fear came from, but it was there. I actually did not like to talk about my religion or my beliefs until a few months ago. I had a baptist missionary drop by. A simple question turned into a 2 or 3 hour conversation. It was great. I was able to see that I had a lot in common with that missionary. I also tried to show him that we had things in common. I really felt good after that conversation. It made me realize what I believed and why. The thing that I think is really funny is that members of our faith are in government. Check this out...the senate majority leader is LDS, the Secretary of Health and Human Resources is LDS, and there are a handful members of the house and senate that are LDS. In the past, Ezra Benson was the Secretary of Agriculture. Those are the people just of the top of my head. Many CEOs and presidents of companies are LDS (like Marriot, General Mills, etc). So, like every other faith, our members contribute greatly to society and somehow we are all okay. I don't even want to turn to sports (ahem...Steve Young). I guess that as long as us Mormons keep our distance everyone is okay. I guess Dr. Kings dream doesn't apply to us. Oh well. Could be worse.


This leads right in to what we did last night for Family Home Evening. Yesterday as I was putting Christmas decorations away, I found a pile of books. Serendipity! There was a book called "If You Lived at the Time of Martin Luther King" by Ellen Levine. I brought the book down to the living room and May picked it up and read most of it. I was so impressed. She said they had read from that book in school. She was incredulous at how African Americans were being treated. I asked her if she would share five things she learned with us for Family Home Evening. She wasn't very willing at that point, but once we started discussing what the holiday was all about, she willingly chipped in.

Nathan taking in this great book.

We read just a bit of MLK's, "I Have a Dream" speech. "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." We talked about non-violent civil disobedience like sit-ins and marches. I felt very enlightened by the end of our discussion.

This ties back to Todd's comment because as we read snippets from this book, I tied it back to being LDS. Not to take away from Dr. King's message, which is very important in it's own rite, but just to expand upon the idea and apply it to my own situation. "I have a dream that my five little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their religious affiliation, but by the content of their character!"

I also saw other links to my religion that I thought were interesting. Here is the one that stuck out the most to me. After his house was bombed Dr. King said, "If I am stopped, this movement will not stop. If I am stopped, our work will not stop. For what we are doing is right. What we are doing is just." This reminded me so much of when the Prophet Joseph Smith was killed by the mob in Carthage Jail. People thought that if they stopped Joseph Smith, they would stop the progress of the church, the building of temples and churches, the very faith of the people. This was not the case and Joseph Smith, much like Dr. King said that very thing a few years before his own death, though much more eloquently than I can, "No unhallowed hand will stop the work from progressing, persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assembly, calumny may defame, but the TRUTH of God will go forth boldly, nobly and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God are accomplished, and the great Jehovah shall say, "THE WORK IS DONE!"

Along other lines, I am impressed as we hold family scripture study each night and Family Home Evening every week, just how much there is to teach my children! I'm so grateful for the chance I have to teach them. When we were less regular with our family time, I didn't even realize the depth and scope of what I would like to give to my children. I am thankful for prophets who encourage us to do these things!

Is This Really the 21st Century?

WARNING: Political/Religious talk below! I have no desire to offend anyone. I'm working through my feelings on a touchy subject.


With the results of Michigan's Republican Primary Election, comes a heavy price for some. Namely, Nathan. Nathan really took some guff in his classroom yesterday from fellow students. Not that I think many of these students had these ideas on their own. It comes from the ignorance, yes, ignorance of their parents. Ignorant usually has a negative connotation and so by my using it, you may see that my patience is on the low side today. Why should my child have to sit through people telling him that his religion and beliefs are stupid and wrong? Why should he have to hear people say that Mitt Romney includes gay people in a grouping with murderers, rapists etc. because he is a Mormon? Of course, Nathan knew that wasn't true, but why this raking over the coals based on religion? I see my kid standing alone, bravely telling the boy who sits across from him, "When you make fun of Mitt Romney's religion, you make fun of my religion." I see myself.

I struggled with this very thing during the time I lived in Massachusetts. On the one hand, my American History teacher singled me out to answer hard questions about Mormonism (i.e. polygamy). It was difficult at the time, because I truly didn't have coherent answers. For instance, while I knew that polygamy had existed, I just accepted it without understanding it. I didn't actually learn and think about it for myself until I reached college. It was hard to have the spotlight put on me. (That's also an issue of my personality. I don't like people looking at me!) In retrospect, I admire what my teacher did. He asked questions instead of spewing out preformed judgments. I have often wished that I had answered or that I had gone back to him when I had a better understanding and given him my answers.

On the other hand, there was a boy who used to call me the "Stormin' Mormon." He knew nothing about me and I'm pretty sure he knew nothing about my faith. I used to pick up the attendance during the seventh hour as a favor for the office and as I walked into this Latin Class, I would be "greeted" by this, I'll use the word again, ignorant student.

On the other hand (wait, there isn't any other hand!), there is the silent type disapproval. People who don't want to associate with us because of our religion. Preconceived ideas (either uninformed or misinformed) and fear are the basis for this, I believe.

It was hard enough to deal with it myself. I have to say it's worse to watch my child going through it. I'm not the type to speak out for myself. As a parent, I've had to learn how to do this; I'm still learning. I've had to figure out how to support my children without bringing my own issues into things. This is something I'm still not very good at.

It's interesting that I've been studying tolerance and acceptance of others religions, political views, and race lately. Surprising! that I'd be presented with so brazen a test of my newly acquired knowledge. What is knowledge without experience? Why can't I have the response of say, Gandhi, as I hear Nathan describing his day to me? I guess it's because I can only go so far with knowledge before I come across something that will give me experience, a test to see if I am worthy of the new light I have received.

(That guy has been down there working on the furnace for a long time, I wonder what this is going to cost me!) Deep breath.

When I found out Romney was running for President, I decided then and there that religion wasn't going to have a bearing for me in this election. I was glad of it when I read a comment written about a news article saying, "Birds of a feather, flock together." I haven't blindly backed any candidate based on gender, race or religion. There are negative strikes in my book for the candidate who made public comments based on religion. If this goes on publicly, what must go on in private?

In preparing myself to discuss religion with my kids in the coming year, I checked out a book on the First Amendment. I'm liking what I read in "The First Amendment: Freedom of Speech, Religion, and the Press" by Leah Farish. Nathan should not have had to experience what he did in class yesterday. There are people who should be ashamed of themselves for the prejudice chewed on, regurgitated and vomited out to the American Public (sorry, that was a little graphic).

I'm going to calm down now. I know that there are others who have suffered far greater and responded far more serenely. I think of Martin Luther King and his followers who we will think of this coming Monday. I think of Jews around the world. I think of Native Americans up and down the American continents. I think of women.

Persecution. Stereotypes. Prejudice. We have such a long way to go! I guess it begins with me. Quitting church to try to avoid it, isn't going to solve anything. Bring on the next test!

Reading and thinking

I've been trying to get on here and write about some of the things I've been reading and thinking lately. I get writer's block as soon as the empty blog screen shows up!

First off, I'm more interested in politics than I've ever been. Joseph has always listened to the news and what's more he retains it for years and years. Previously, when I wanted to know about politics, I would just drill him and he can almost always answer the questions I have, about most any topic (he's got a brilliant mind). I have a few dear friends who have challenged my political thinking over the last few years and I've been pushed out of my box. My brother is also very active in thinking about the political system and writes a good deal on his blog about it. I'm very much confused (maybe that's how it's meant to be in this bipartisan system!) and there are issues where I'm not making any headway in making conclusions for myself. I had already decided my positions on some of these issues, but, I'm starting over.

All of this thinking has led me to the Middle East to ponder about what has gone on there and what is going on there. Some months ago, my friend Kristen, recommended a book called "Inside the Kingdom: My Life in Saudi Arabia" by Carmen bin Ladin. (As a side note, if you look up this book, you will see the picture of Carmen bin Ladin on the front of it. I believe I have found the person whose look Michael Jackson has tried to imitate!) She is the sister-in-law to Osama bin Ladin! But the bin Ladin family is very large and though Carmen does have comments about Osama bin Ladin, she was not close with him. In her book, she gives detail about life in Saudi Arabia, particularly for women. The author also gives background to the government and it's workings.

In addition to politics, I've always been interested in religion. More so, since we moved to Michigan, and have been exposed to a much wider variety of people. I decided to read "The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, and a Jew--Three Women Search for Understanding." Ranya Idliby, a Muslim, wondered how she and her family would survive with the stereotypes given to those of her faith after the terrorist attacks of 9/11. She decided that she'd like to write a children's book which talks about similarities between the three main monotheistic religions. Suzanne Oliver (a Christian) and Priscilla Warner (a Jew) joined her in the project. They got together regularly to discuss and prepare their book. In the process, they did a lot of soul searching on their own and a lot of honest asking and answering in their group meetings. They decided to publish a book based on that experience. And thus, The Faith Club. I learned a lot that I didn't know and felt very challenged and stretched as I read. I wrote to the authors to ask where they were in the process of writing their children's book. They are hoping to publish soon. In the mean time they referred me to a picture book called "Jerusalem Sky: Stars, Crosses, and Crescents" by Mark Podwal. I loved this book and so did my kids. With this as a spring board, we plan to study religion this year in our home. I'm really excited about it! We're hoping to learn about and celebrate different religions holidays just to gain understanding of different people.

"The Faith Club" also included a lot about the politics surrounding Israel, because the area is so important for all three religions. Hearing the story from the different perspectives really opened up my mind. Upon finishing that book, I have a desire to study more about religion and history in that area to gain a greater understanding. It was interesting to watch a PBS special the other night called "Walking the Bible" in which Bruce Feiler (I believe he is Jewish) is traveling the area where the Bible is believed to have taken place. You can check it out here:

http://www.pbs.org/walkingthebible/

Have you ever watched "Gandhi?" I remember watching it as a teenager. I watched it a few years ago and then again in the last week. He was an incredible, brilliant man. I plan to watch this movie again and again, just to remind myself of what we are capable of both good and bad. Gandhi dressed and lived like his people while staging a non-violent revolution against the British government. I was again amazed at his intelligence as I watched this last week. This will help me in my quest for truth and knowledge.

Now, I'm reading about Iran. The book is called "Iran Awakening: Memoir of Revolution and Hope." The author is a lady named, Shirin Ebadi who was a judge in Iran before the 1979 Islamic Revolution. I've only read about a quarter of it and I'm eagerly awaiting my night-time reading time!

This post is somewhat disjointed and long, like my thoughts have been...

P.S. Here's a blog I came across that I like to read for an insider view of the war:

http://jeffreydenning.blogspot.com/

Love One Another

Today as I was teaching my Primary class (Sunday school), I had a new insight. The lesson was called "I Can Be Kind" and included studying the parable of the Good Samaritan. I love teaching children about the words in the scriptures. I love stopping and telling them the meanings of words and helping them understand what's happening. I love seeing their faces light up as they understand and then asking questions and hearing their answers. After we got the story of the Samaritan under our belts, I challenged them to take their pictures home and ask their parents if they could tell the story in Family Home Evening. Great fun!

I then read another few verses that were suggested and had an a-ha! moment for myself. John 13:34-35, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love on to another." I had somehow been mixed up most of my life. I had thought that people would notice me following Jesus because I didn't drink coffee, tea or alcohol. I thought people would notice me being a disciple because I tried hard to keep the Sabbath day holy. I thought that paying ten percent of my income to the church and hence to the Lord, was a sign of a disciple. I thought that refraining from gambling, swearing and instead reading the word of God and saying my prayers was proof of me being a disciple of Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I still think that all of these things are important, but for a much different reason than before.

I realized today that it is my love for others that defines my discipleship. Love, love, LOVE! I was thinking about it this afternoon after church and it occurred to me that doing those other things leaves me open to loving more. If I avoid addictive substances, avoid being an addict, I can spend my time caring for others that would have been trapped in endless self-absorption. If I keep the Sabbath day holy, I rest from the hubbub of week-day life long enough to regenerate and rest my physical body and feed myself spiritually so that I'm more open to being there for other people. If I read my scriptures and pray, I will make myself more open to knowing and understanding the word of God and hearing the Spirit, becoming prepared to serve and love others.

I know that I will struggle with this concept as I've had it mixed up for most of my life, but I'm so impressed at what I've learned today. It amazes me, truly. How many times have I read that verse (or sung the song "Love One Another"), and not understood?

"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (italics added)

Martin's Cove

I feel like I already wrote about this, but maybe it's because it was my favorite place to visit and so I've described it to a few people.

We saw Martin's Cove on our second time through Wyoming. It's very close to Independence Rock where many, many pioneers signed their names on a big rock. We did not stop and see Independence Rock, though I've read that it's really neat.

(I hope I have these details correct!) The Martin Handcart company was a group of people who started their trip to the Salt Lake Valley late in the year. In addition to getting a late start, they were people of very little means and rather than travel by covered wagon as many pioneers did, they pulled handcarts. Cold weather and blizzard conditions settled into Wyoming early the year the Martin Handcart company was traveling west and the result was that this large company was stranded on the plains of Wyoming with very little food, shelter or clothing. A large number of people starved or froze to death. It is a sad tale. Once Brigham Young heard that these people were stranded on the plains, he got up in the General Conference of the church and told the people to organize themselves and get up there to save those people. During this time, the Handcart company took refuge in a cove where they would get at least some shelter from the elements. As they waited, many died. At last the rescuers came from the Salt Lake Valley with food and provisions and gave the survivors escort into the Valley. The saints in the valley opened their doors and hearts to these people and so a sad tale becomes a tale of service and sacrifice.

There is a visitors center at Martin's Cove now. We were able to pull our own handcarts. We loaded the kids in and pulled for a short distance. I do not know how those who pulled handcarts across the plains ever did it. It made me understand more fully the stories I have heard where they knew that the angels were helping them with their handcarts. I know it must have been just as they described.

We were driven some distance so that we could see the Cove where they waited for their rescuers. It is indeed sacred ground. It is quiet there. The missionaries who were there the day we visited told wonderful stories about the actual people who were there, some who died and some who did not.

Statues of the four young men who carried the people across the freezing Sweetwater River have been erected (this pic is of just two statues):

All of us in the Cove:

The missionaries who told us stories:
Brigham really liked riding in the handcarts!
I would like to visit again sometime! Maybe pull the handcart the full 5 miles to the Cove.

Two messages

It’s interesting what happens, and I think it’s by design, when we find something in our lives that is truly working for us, we want to pass it on in the hopes that others might benefit as well.

For people who belong to my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) this is a very familiar theme as we are a very evangelical church. Why do I want to share the message of the restored Gospel with people? The answer for me is simple. It brings me joy. It gives me comfort. My earthly burdens are made lighter by the message. I want others to have this too. I have been brought up in the church my whole life and so there are truths that I have enjoyed since birth. Other things didn’t sink in until I became an adult and started investigating and questioning on my own. As I used to understand it, I was supposed to be a missionary (sharing the Gospel) because I was commanded (a commandment from God) to do it. It was a burden. It was a stressor. I was afraid of what might happen if I didn’t do it. Now that I understand God better, I know that He operates out of love for his children. It has made me free to love others and changed my view on sharing with them. I want to share because I love rather than because I fear. My burdens are lightened. I feel joy.

I want my friends who are not members to know that I love them as they are. I also want them to know that if they ever have questions or comments, I am open to talking about my religion and beliefs and I’m not interested in pressuring people to be like me or believe like I do. (You can also visit official church websites like www.lds.org or www.mormon.org) Hopefully, you guys already know this.

The second thing that has made an impact of late (though on a much less grand scale—Gosh, I probably shouldn’t even put them in the same post!) is Sparkpeople. I mentioned it in my blog some months ago. Probably there are people who are sick of me talking about it. But anyway, it’s a health and fitness site on the web that allows you to track your calories and fitness. It helps you to figure out how much to eat and exercise based on your current weight and goals. It’s also packed full of information (articles and videos), healthy recipes and forums for discussion. The site allows you to set up your own page and blog. There are nutrition, fitness and health experts on the forums to whom you can address questions. The greatest thing is that it’s all FREE!! That’s right, the man who started up the site uses his own money to run it and just wants to help people. At any rate, I’ve lost about 40 pounds since I started working on it using this site. It’s been good for me and if there’s anyone out there who’s looking for some help, this is a great place to go. If you are pregnant or nursing, they have a separate site for people in that category.

Here are some links:

www.sparkpeople.com

the basic link that gets you there walks you through signing up

http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=QUETZALGIRL

my user name on Sparkpeople is Quetzalgirl, this is my page and blog; there is a link to my nutrition and exercise tracker and a ticker at the bottom that shows my weight loss progress

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=530

how Sparkpeople got started, about the owner/CEO

One of my favorites is www.sparkrecipes.com because you can find lots of new healthy recipes to try, but also enter in your own recipes to get the nutrient/calorie breakdown and then they can be transferred over to your Nutrition tracker on the sparkpeople website.

My understanding is that they offer what online Weight Watchers offers and MORE and it’s all free!

Have a great day, everyone!!

My testimony

Joseph made a request of me last night. He is the committee chair for a graduate student from the University of Michigan. Her name is Ji. Without knowing it, she has been an example of gratitude to me as she sends these beautiful gifts from China home with Joseph as thanks for the work he does for her. Recently Joseph told me that she is taking the missionary discussions (for those who are not members of my church, when a person invites the missionaries from my church to teach them, there are six “discussions” or six lessons that they come and teach). She had e-mailed Joseph a bit ago and asked him to share how he gained his testimony that the gospel is true. More specifically, since she is investigating my church, how he gained his testimony that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church. Joseph asked me last night if I was willing to share with Ji as well.

The thing that came to mind for me is just a portion of how I gained testimony of the gospel, but I felt it well worth sharing. Just a side note before I begin that story. I have three friends (Sue, Angie, Marie) from around the Ann Arbor, Michigan area from whom I have gained so much. It has been in conversations with them and in their presence that I have learned so much about God’s love and I wanted to thank them for that! It is God’s love that sustains me from day to day.

When we first moved to Michigan, we lived in MSU’s student married housing. Living a few apartments down from us there was a newly married couple, with whom we became friends. They are Christians and were an excellent example to us of so many principles of the gospel. They had given a lot of themselves to God and it definitely showed in their lives. We had many discussions as we were curious about their particular beliefs and they were curious about ours.

At one point, in deep discussion with Karen, we talked about having a week where we fasted and prayed and read the word of God. I can’t remember the particular question, but for me it was an intense time of learning and growing and discovering my own faith. I remember looking at a lot of scriptures about baptism (because I believe that it is a requirement, not to be saved, but to live with my Father and Heaven and his beloved Son once my time on earth is done. In my church this is referred to as the Celestial Kingdom). At that time, I tried to lay aside my preconceived ideas about the gospel and learn anew. I asked Heavenly Father for his Spirit to be with me and for his guidance through this process.

I had never spent a lot of time reading Paul’s writings and thanks to this challenge, I did and I learned so much! I have such fond memories of that time when I was dedicated in prayer and learning. I also read daily from the Book of Mormon as I had been doing previously.

After about a week, I came to a point where I had read many or most of the scriptures I could find about baptism and prepared myself to ask in prayer what the truth about baptism was. One of the things I did before this prayer was to get out my Book of Mormon to do my daily reading there. As I began to read, I was amazed to have my unasked prayer answered before my eyes as I read 2 Nephi 31. The whole chapter is dedicated to the topic of baptism. I will quote the parts that have special significance for me. It is even more poignant since my daughter May recently made the decision to be baptized.

5 And now, if the Lamb of God, he being holy, should have need to be baptized by water, to fulfill all righteousness, O then, how much more need have we, being unholy, to be baptized, yea, even by water!

6 And now, I would ask of you, my beloved brethren, wherein the Lamb of God did fulfil all righteousness in being baptized by water?

7 Know ye not that he was holy? But notwithstanding he being holy, he showeth unto the children of men that, according to the flesh he humbleth himself before the Father, and witnesseth unto the Father that he would be obedient unto him in keeping his commandments.

8 Wherefore, after he was baptized with water the Holy Ghost descended upon him in the form of a dove.

9 And again, it showeth unto the children of men the straitness of the path, and the narrowness of the gate, by which they should enter, he having set the example before them.

10 And he said unto the children of men: Follow thou me. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, can we follow Jesus save we shall be willing to keep the commandments of the Father?

13 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I know that if ye shall follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism—yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost; yea, then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost; and then can ye speak with the tongue of angels, and shout praises unto the Holy One of Israel.

19 And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.

I began praying after my reading and though I don’t remember what I prayed, I clearly remember the answer from a loving Heavenly Father who impressed upon my mind, “Do you think it was an accident that you read that chapter today? It was not by chance that you were given those words.” And so there it was. He had told me what he wanted me to know about baptism in such a simple way. Even to this day I’m amazed because what a coincidence it would be to be reading that very chapter on that very day. It was not coincidence though, and that means that God had been working in my life for a long, long time knowing that I would be asking that question on that very day. He still works in my life each day, even on the days when I don’t put Him first, he is still working on me!

It also led me to ponder how important reading the Book of Mormon is in my life I have since that time (and even before that time) had many wonderful experiences of receiving answers to prayer while reading there. It is truly, as is the Bible, a witness of Jesus Christ. I also thought about the prophet Joseph Smith who translated the book and I gained a greater testimony of his work and vision. I understood better the authority that has been restored to the earth to perform these ordinances, such as baptism, authority that was restored by the prophet Joseph Smith. I am also so very thankful for a latter-day prophet Gordon B. Hinckley who leads the church today. A wonderful man inspired by God.

I was just talking to my friend Megan the other day about how hard it can be to get up at Testimony meeting and bear my testimony. I have a hard time getting up in front of so many people, and I’m thankful to be able to do it here. I had told Megan that I try to tell my kids my testimony of the gospel in small pieces (since I know that if I don’t share, I will lose what I have). It also feels like such a blessing to me that Joseph asked me to share with Ji. I have had another opportunity to share some things that are so important to me with people who are so important to me. I love each of you!