Healthy Heros

This post goes out to Julie, a friend to me in a crucial and difficult time of my life and marriage. I'll never forget how you listened to me go on and on about my problems. I called you almost every day and you listened to me complain, cry. You listened to my desolation. You didn't let me give up. You told me I could do this. You loved me. I'll never forget!

So, I'm approaching parenting (finally!) in a new way. It's not that I haven't done this in the past, I just haven't done it consistently or with as much anticipation and excitement for the results as this time. I'm working with a new awareness and it's pretty exciting. The whole deal is that every interaction is meant to create RELATIONSHIP. Rather than me barking out orders of things that have to be done NOW, I'm trying to take the time to explain how things work and why they need to be done. When a child misbehaves, rather than dishing out an immediate consequence, I'm trying to look eye to eye and lovingly explain why it's a problem and how I'd rather they don't repeat that action. I guess I'm willing to do this several times over if need be. This is still in the works. I don't have it all figured out. It's a good thing I believe in a God who works in my life every day, every hour, every minute, if need be.

I look for extra opportunities to build relationship as well. We listen to CDs in the van each morning, but we turn it off when we drop May and Elijah off at their school, so they don't miss anything. That means I have a few minutes with Nathan before I drop him off at his school. We have a deal that he gets to sit in the front seat to and from school because otherwise he'd have to be cramped between two car seats in the back. Sometimes we just flip on NPR but the last few days I'm talking to him more.

Last night I sat Nathan down to answer some questions about himself. My sister, Jodi, has started doing this with her kids (she also writes in their journals on their birthdays each year about the preceding year) . She sent me her questions and so I've begun to record the answers from my kids. One of the questions was, "Who is your hero?" Nathan answered, "Well, it used to be President [Gordon B.] Hinckley, but now it's President [Thomas S.] Monson." I thought he made an excellent choice.

This morning as we were driving away from the Elementary School, we saw Nathan's fourth grade teacher, Mr. Ulrich. Mr. Ulrich was just who Nathan needed last year. He thought Nathan was spectacular at a time when Nathan was really down on himself. I said to Nathan, "Maybe Mr. Ulrich is a good hero?" Nathan agreed, but obviously thought his previous choice worked better. Now here comes the part that Julie taught me. She teaches her kids something that she first learned herself called "Healthy Heroes." I can relate to this also. There isn't any one person who is perfect. I can choose a hero, but there may be a way in which they disappoint me. Then, my tendency is to trash the idea of hero. Why have a hero that will ultimately just let me down. The idea of "Healthy Heroes" is to find many, many people, all with different characteristics that we admire, while also realizing that they will have their shortcomings as all people do.

I taught Nathan about this today and told him to look for heroes all around him. I enjoyed it and I think he was listening. After all, it's about relationships, right?