Landlocked!

Nathan looking into a tide pool in Monterey, CA (December '05)

Note: This post is kind-of long, but if you hang in there 'til the end, I'd love to hear your ideas and insights!

Last night I was somehow able to replicate the thin crust, cheesy pizza that I ate on the waterfront in Plymouth. I had to look up the name of the restaurant which is a fixture of downtown Plymouth and serves wonderful food: Mamma Mia's.

I went to high school in Plymouth, MA. Yep, that's right, the rock, the life-size model of the Mayflower, the Plymouth wax museum and Plimoth Plantation (truly, you should visit this place if you ever have the chance!). The waterfront in Plymouth is a lively place in the summer with all of the tourists. I have some wonderful memories of that place.

Thinking about that made me think of coastlines in general. I'll get back to that part in a minute.

I suffer from claustrophobia. I think it might come from when my sisters and I would just about suffocate each other with our orange vinyl bean bags. My case of claustrophobia isn't too bad. For instance, I can fly in an airplane. But, I'm sure my family can relate to me pushing people away. I need space around me at certain times.

Two years ago, when Brigham was born by emergency c-section, they got me on the table and then weighted down my legs. Next a blue curtain was put up in front of my face (too bad, I'd really like to have watched the surgery!), so close that it was almost touching my face. To top it all off I was stressed to the hilt. It was all I could do to use my brain power not to totally freak out and start screaming.

Lately, I've been thinking that way about my house, which is small (I've mentioned it a few times). A few months ago I tried to get rid of things and rearrange things to give us more space. There's only so much you can do and with all the kids running around; it's hard to keep it orderly etc.

But, even more than my house situation, I've been thinking about my landlocked-ness. I'll get back to that in a minute. You'll see how this all ties together.

Yesterday, I watched the last lecture of Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University who recently died of pancreatic cancer. The lecture was titled "Acheiving your childhood dreams." If you have a spare 76 minutes, watch it. It's good (if you are sensitive to language, beware, he does use some).

I got to thinking about what my childhood dreams were. To tell you the truth, I'm not totally sure. I wanted to be a medical doctor from as early as I knew that my favorite color was green (age 3 or 4). I went to BYU and took the Pre-medical Seminar and high tailed it outta there. I DO NOT want to be a medical doctor. Nothing against it in general, but it's not for me.

Side note: As I was thinking about it last night, I think I came to a realization that I have made it a habit in my life (at least in some things) to choose the pathway of least resistance. I don't usually go after things that I don't absolutely know I can get. I'm wondering now, how many ways I've cheated myself.

At any rate, another goal of mine was to study and participate in the field of Marine Biology. I remember being a junior in high school (still had the goal of medical doctor at that point), I got interested and my mom drove me down to Woods Hole, MA to talk to a professor/researcher there about possibilities in the field. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I thought it was really great to be there, bought a t-shirt, the whole bit.

That was a dream that I lived out to the extent it was possible. I studied Marine Biology at BYU (a landlocked university) through a very unique program run by a talented professor. I studied in heaven: Monterey Bay, California.

I don't feel finished with that dream and recently I've been wondering what to do about it. Joseph and I have discussed it and it's a hard decision. There are many factors to consider. Where would we like to live (lots of coast here in the grand ole U.S.A.)? What are Joseph's childhood dreams that he'd like to live out? What is best for our kids? Given that it's been 14 years since I received my B.S. and 11 years since I quit my Masters program, what can I even do? Will I really be happier with trying to live out that dream, or should I try to make do with what I have, having recently learned a lot about synthesized happiness? Can I be just as happy focusing on helping other people develop childhood dreams and live them out?

(I always knew I'd be a mother, but I'm living out an unimagined dream of a house full of five kiddos. How about the pieces of life that I'm living or have lived that weren't part of my dreams? That's sort-of a separate category since life always throws us twists and turns. It's part of the nature of being human.)

I don't expect anyone else to answer these questions for me, but I'm really interested in discussion about childhood dreams and what you've seen of nice stretches of coastline.