To [All] My Family

I have been through quite the journey in the last two years.  While some of that journey has been happy and light, even at times exhilarating, I won't lie, it's been difficult too.

Leaving the church and what I had known for 38 years was not easy.  It was not because I was offended (I would have left long ago, if that was the reason).  It was not because I wanted to sin.  It was not because I was lazy.

There are two things I want to address specifically with you, my family.  I would appreciate it if you would read what I have to say (I've tried very hard to be respectful and careful), and if you feel so inclined respond.

First:

I have felt ambiguous (meaning I have felt two ways equally) about what kind of response I want from people.  I have wanted to feel that my decision is accepted because I've lived the LDS life.  I've lived it to the fullest extent I know how.  I know what living the LDS life entails.   I haven't just forgotten "truth" and need to be reminded.  I wanted to be treated like the moral, caring person I am.  I also wanted to be treated like I'm smart enough to figure things out for myself and that if we disagree, that's o.k.

The other way I have felt is that knowing what LDS people believe about family and the afterlife, I wanted to know that people felt sad that we are no longer an eternal family and that we won't be together in the afterlife.  We have resigned which means that our ordinances and sealings have been cancelled.  I'm no longer sealed to my kids, to my parents or siblings.  I no longer have the saving ordinance of baptism.

I feel like people have responded a little of each way, but no clear expressions to me of what people are feeling about this.  If we don't exchange our feelings with each other, we don't have an intimate relationship.  It bothers me that I really only have an intimate relationship with one or two people in our whole family (and we are working towards two others--can't wait for summer!).  As I look at other families of all shapes and sizes, I see intimacy.  It is something I feel like I have lacked in my family of birth and in the family I married into.

In saying this, I'm not casting the blame on everyone but me.  I'm also heavily to blame in this, inasmuch as I've realized it but haven't moved to correct it.  But, this is where things stand with me.  I see most of the relationships as scratching the surface and while I have a few ideas that I plan to put in action, I really don't know where to go with all of that.  I do recognize that people have reached out to us and that we are at fault for not moving forward with some of these relationships.

Second:

The LDS church teaches doctrine, not history, this is what they say.  On the surface, that may seem harmless since it's the doctrine that is really important, but it isn't harmless.  This is because in reality the church does teach history and they teach it in a manner that glosses over the true and sometimes damaging historical facts.

For one hopefully benign example, Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by placing a stone in a hat, using that same hat to cover his face and dictating the book word by word to a scribe.  However, most of what you see written in LDS manuals and see in the LDS artwork is Joseph Smith looking at the golden plates, even touching them and dictating to a scribe.

But, you may ask, why does that matter?  I think it matters because this is one of thousands of misperceptions that are taught as truth.

Anyone who talks about these problems or dwells on them too much is labeled anti-Mormon.  This is an unfair label since most people having just come across information like this are going to question and wonder why the church teaches one thing when historical records say another.  They are likely to want to talk about it and try to understand.  When no satisfactory explanation arises, this person is in a bind.

Now imagine learning several or more of these topics all at once.  What do you think this feels like?  Do you think it might be justified to dwell on it for a while?  In my case, I had learned things one way for years and years and years.  What do you think it might be like to have to face many topics like this all at once?

Unbeknownst to myself, I had come upon topics like this all throughout my time in the church.  I had also researched or discussed and found ways that I could have both answers in my mind and it was o.k.  This was by placing the item or items on a "shelf," with the common answer, "That topic is not important for your eternal salvation.  Wait to get the answer until later."  However, when I received too much of this at one time, it was just that: too much.

Combine that with the fact that the church really wasn't working for our family.  It wasn't making us happy.  It wasn't making our lives better.  At that point, it was a pretty easy decision to walk away.

At this point, most if not all of you, know that we have resigned.  As a structure, the church doesn't work for us.  The change that would be required for it to work for us as a structure and community is so great that we aren't willing to wait around for it.  We want to live to the fullest and in the moment and cannot, or are unwilling to fit the church into that vision.

I do know that the structure and community of the church does work for some people.  They are happy and fulfilled.  I also know that there are people who are living in guilt for all that they cannot accomplish.  There are people who don't like some things about the church, but live in fear of losing their eternal family if they leave.  Some people may feel like the church isn't great for them, but they are willing to stay to support the rest of their family.  Others may enjoy the social aspects of church and ignore other things that can be bothersome.  There are also variations on that theme I haven't dreamed of yet.  I'm not here to try to talk you out of using the church for its structure and community, or for the truth you find there, or for their teachings on morality.  However, something has come to my attention that I would like to address.

As we all know, the internet holds a lot of information.  I love the internet.  I love it that when Nathan has a chemistry assignment and I don't remember how to help him with a problem, there are dozens of websites out there to help me teach him.  I love searching for recipes, writing on my blog, keeping contact with people through email, and being able to do business on the web.  I love that there is so much knowledge right at my fingertips.

There is also a lot of terrible stuff on the internet.  Everyone knows that there are websites it's better to avoid. The terrible stuff I'm addressing now is anti-Mormon material or literature (as it was called when I was growing up).  I had a morbid fear of anything anti-Mormon.  I wouldn't touch those pamphlets people tried to hand out at the Hill Cumorah etc.  There is some truly hateful stuff out there.  It is angry and ugly.  I can't bring myself to read any of it still.

However, there is also historical fact out there about the history of Mormonism.  It's very different in nature.  Though, you will still hear emotional twinges in there (I would expect people who have given their all, 10% of their money, time with family etc. to feel a little miffed when they learn that things are not as they seem), it is mostly reporting of fact to the best of the knowledge of historians (which can also have flaws, admittedly) or reprints of verifiable historical documents.

So, after considering what's out there on the internet, what I'm concerned about is your children.  You adults will be fine as long as you are happy in church.  Some of your children will also not be affected because they will go along with the church and not try to step out and question.  But, even if one of your kids does have questions and has to go through what I've gone through, it will be worth it for me to have written this.

Let's say one day your child has a question about something in the church.  The LDS church has paid vast amounts of money to search engine companies so that their links generally show up first when you do searches.  Try it.  Go to Google and search out a few faith-based words.  See what links show up first.  Let's say your child is curious and looks down the list and finds something not church sponsored, but clearly not anti-Mormon.  They click on the link and learn something that they've never heard in church.  They read that Joseph Smith had thirty-three wives, some as young as 14 years old.  They learn that he married women who were already married to other men (polyandry).  Now what do they do?  They may continue reading and learn more historical facts that are not taught in church on Sunday.

They may talk to friends or other trusted adults.  They may talk to you.  What if you aren't familiar with these topics?  How will you handle the situation?  Will you shame your child and tell them they've been reading anti-Mormon material?  Will you go to the computer with them and research it out?  Or will you be in a position where you already know this history and are able to have a conversation with your child?

By the time I found this information, I was already 38 years old.  I relied on myself and on discussion forums on the internet to help me through the struggle.  I felt like I had been brainwashed.  I felt like I had been lied to.  I have gone through periods of feeling very angry at my parents for not questioning anything and sticking to church regardless of the ways our family has been hurt (speaking of the growing up years).  I have been angry at leaders of the church (some previously beloved) who were not willing (or able?) to tell the truth.  I'm able to move on and mostly understand why that would be, but it's been a stinker to work through.

There is something called Cognitive Dissonance.  This is when you are holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time.  It's something that goes on in your mind, but has physical manifestations usually in the form of emotions, sometimes more than that.  It is very painful and difficult to muddle through.  When you go through a betrayal, that is cognitive dissonance.  The more the betrayal affected aspects of your life, the more painful the process of moving on.

If, as parents, you do not educate yourselves about the history is out there, I'm afraid you may someday regret that.  This is for more reasons than one.  First, your kids may feel like you lied to them.  Second, if you are not aware and have worked to sort some of this out, you may not be available to listen to their concerns, shutting down communication and to some degree the relationship.  Third, if you actually find yourself listening to your child, you may have to go through the cognitive dissonance yourself which will be magnified by the fact that you spent even more years giving so much time and money to an organization that you no longer agree with.  I have regrets that I didn't learn all of this sooner.  If I had, I could have left earlier and saved myself some of the grief that happened in my latter years in the church (this still isn't why we left!).

Learning the history is like an inoculation.  When you go in for your flu shot, your body reacts to that tiny amount of virus (usually disabled or dead) so that when you are exposed to potent, live virus, though you may become slightly sick, your immune system is able to take it down pretty quickly.  If you learn the history now, you will be able to deal with some kind of onslaught easier.

I see some changes happening in the church.  I'm glad to see it.  There are some efforts to get more of the real history out there.  This isn't happening on lds.org or in the Ensign, necessarily, but on sister websites.  Perhaps if you wait, this will move into the mainstream teachings of the church.  But, some of your kids are getting older.  If it were me, I wouldn't wait, I'd want to know and adjust now.

Note:  There are also things about the church that I believe that are harmful in and of themselves.  I'm not going into that here.  Different people have different opinions.  Those harmful things are a big reason why we couldn't make church work for us, though at the time, we hadn't ever been able to compile a list of pros and cons and decipher our best move.  We felt locked in because of ordinances and investment.  We wondered if we'd be able to provide community and morality for our kids.  All of that is a separate story.